This week, a familiar question appeared in the Visible Child Facebook group, namely what to do with a toddler who is frequently hitting. So much hitting. The parents are, understandably, tired and feeling defeated–so defeated that they have even come to a place where they see their two-year-old as someone who has “always been a hitter”, as if a toddler hitting is an identity rather than a communication, a loss of impulse control, and an inability to handle big emotions. We all know those things, of course, but when we are frustrated or worn out, we forget. It happens to all of us.
As ever, the lens shift comes first. I would invite any of you, before you seek solutions, to consciously reject a lens that a toddler ‘is/has always been a hitter” (or any other behavior-related identity.) Having that view of them makes any strategies you might try ineffective. No child is “a hitter”, that’s not who they are. They are babies who are frustrated, who do not have impulse control (and are not supposed to) and who use the tools that all toddlers use when they are frustrated. They’re doing the very best that they can with the tools that they have.
But back to the question. As Visible Child-ers do, people stepped in to help this parent to “go upstream”, to try to unpack and understand what might be behind the hitting, a critical part of solving this sort of problem.
One savvy parent wrote “Does he hit you because you are holding a firm boundary? If not, what happens before the hit? Answering these questions will help you identify a pattern or the triggers and this will help you meet his needs a lot earlier and potentially prevent the hit.” (Brava, by the way!)
The parent responded: “Now that you mention it, honestly, it is usually when I or my husband lay down a boundary.”
Ooh, that’s my cue! We’re on our way!
So, here it comes…my question: “What sorts of boundaries (or are they limits, which is different) are you finding necessary?”
The answers: “Giving the dog space, having to take a bath, not getting on the table, not hitting people, those sorts of things. He is also in that back-and-forth stage (which is fine!) but we will ask him what he wants and he will go back and forth so we tell him he needs to make a decision and if he doesn’t we will have to and he won’t like the decision we make sometimes. We are also in the process of weaning.”
These examples are so helpful, and I am grateful for this response! It can sometimes be so difficult to explain the Visible Child approach in the abstract, and so much simpler to be able to respond to examples, as they provide a clearer picture of what might be going on. With this information, there is much to offer, so let’s carry on!
Development is always my foundation, where we always begin. With that in mind…toddlers are seeking autonomy as their primary task. The more they are “corrected” or reprimanded or even “reminded”, the more they will “push back.” With that in mind, one of our goals is to minimize demands and corrections wherever possible, which usually comes from lowering expectations.
The real “secrets” to a peaceful life with a toddler are 1) to recognize that WE are their impulse control, which makes setting verbal limits pretty much a waste of time….so 2) we step in and take 100% of the responsibility for making sure that limits that are important to us are “made impossible” so that reminders are not needed….and in keeping with that, 3) we set up environments and structures to relieve them of the burden of temptations and decisions.
So, to illustrate what that would look like in this case, with the examples provided (which I understand are not exhaustive, just examples, but they’re what we have to work with for now):
1. “Giving the dog space.” It cannot be the job of a two-year-old to “give the dog space.” A pet’s safety, and a child’s safety with a pet, is 100% an adult responsibility. If the toddler is having a hard time being gentle with or messing with the dog, the adult (with warmth and kindness) says something like “Sometimes dogs don’t like people to do that. I’m going to put her in the kitchen for a little bit, so everyone stays safe.” (It’s really quite important to have a space that can be separated via a baby gate, etc when you have a pet!) This recognizes that it’s something she can’t manage reliably and it ensures the dog’s safety and the child’s safety, because even the most mild-mannered and patient dogs sometimes snap at a young child who is bothering them, occasionally even to devastating consequences. Will there be times when you can sit right by the child’s side, with full attention and no distractions, modeling gentle treatment of a pet and blocking anything harmful? Sure. That’s great, and valuable. And often, you won’t have the time or space for that sort of close supervision. If and when you do, yes, do that!
2. “Having to take a bath.” This is a tricky one because there are so many variables at play. But for the moment, let’s assume that the child absolutely objectively needs a bath on this day at this time–this is often not true, so all the factors are worth weighing, but we’ll get to that in a minute. But in the interest of playing along, let’s say it must happen now. The first step, as ever, is to slow down. Children, like adults, don’t like to be interrupted when they’re busy and they have a hard time shifting gears from one thing to the next. We go to them, we sit down on the floor next to them, express curiosity about their play, and let them know that in a few minutes, it’s going to be time for a bath. The slowness and lack of rushing and adult agenda may decrease the likelihood of hitting, though sometimes, it may happen anyway, and of course, we need to be ready to physically block, with empathy “I can’t let you hit me. You don’t want to go. You can tell me “I’m not ready.” In a few minutes (which the child does not understand), we are going to need to go, do you want to put five more legos on your tower before we go? Can I do one?” In other words, connect! Then, when that time comes, in a few minutes, you calmly and confidently say “We do need to go get you in the bath now, you have mud on your body from playing outside.” Then you calmly pick them up and take them to the bath. it’s not our job to persuade or convince toddlers to come happily – they are allowed to not want to take a bath right now or to stop playing, and since (remember, we’re operating from this assumption) it has to happen, the adult steps up and takes full responsibility for that happening. Of course, they might fight or hit or scream on the way to the bathroom, and that’s hard for parents. That’s the moment when we have to stay calm and proceed with confidence, not force. “I know, it’s hard to stop playing.” There are other strategies, like playfulness (racing to the bathroom, dancing to the bathroom, going to check for a magic surprise in the tub, etc), but we’re all tired in the evening and sometimes we’re not able to engage in that way. That’s okay, confident leadership is good too.
(Deep breath) Wow, there are so many factors at work here that would make this transition easier and thus make hitting less likely, it’s hard to even know where to begin, they all keep shouting in my head at the same time. But just so you have some idea, here are some questions to ask yourself (ideally not in the moment, but when you have a bit of time, and maybe a cup of tea or something) that might help you to make it run more smoothly:
- Does the child actually need a bath right now? Young children are often bathed much more frequently than they actually need. Of course, the answer might be yes, and if so, no problem. The answer might also be no, you just never thought of it. If they do need a bath right now, what is the reason? Is there a good reason? Could that reason be addressed via a warm washcloth wipe-down?
- What are baths like? Calm? Relaxed? Rushed? Playful? Something to “get done?” Fun? Splashy? Does the child prefer someone in the bath with them? Might they prefer a shower?
- Is there a reason or history why a child might feel nervous or unsafe in the bath? Slippery surface, prior fall, being rushed in the past? Is it too hot or too cold? How can you set up the environment so that those things don’t happen? A non-slip soft mat on the tub floor? Letting the child reach in and feel the temperature to make sure it’s okay?
- Is there a negative association with hair washing? If so, how could that be accommodated so that the part that bothers the child is made less likely? Do they need their hair washed this time, or every time?
- Is it evening (the time most people seem to do baths)? If so, the child is likely tired (just like you!) which makes it much more likely that this sort of transition will produce emotional dysregulation, which makes them more likely to hit. Could a bath take place earlier in the day? Before dinner?
- Are they deeply engaged in what they are doing, so that it’s hard to pull them away because they feel interrupted? How can you slow that process down with empathy, or adjust your daily schedule so that playtime is after bath rather than before (for example)? No one likes to be interrupted, so it’s easy to have compassion for that resistance.
- This is absolutely an adult agenda – children don’t generally care whether they are bathed or not. Recognizing that this is the case can help maintain perspective.
- I’m sure there are more, but this list is a good start. (Geez, Robin, I’m supposed to think about all of those things every time, all day, every day, just to teach my child not to hit? It sounds exhausting! Yeah, it can be a lot when you’re not used to it. Once you get in that “child-centered lens” and you feel empowered to make these things happen without needing to persuade your child…and once you get in the habit, it’s really very quick and automatic and natural, not really exhausting at all….it just takes practice!)
3. “Not getting on the table.” In contrast, this one is easy. Toddlers love to climb, so make sure there are lots of places they can climb and plentiful opportunities, ideally outdoors, for them to climb to their heart’s content, often for hours on end every day. When that need is met, they’ll be less likely to climb in the house. But if that does not dissuade them–because it sometimes doesn’t–then we can temporarily remove the chairs or otherwise make it difficult for them to get up on the table. Or of course, if a toddler has a fully safe “yes” playspace, where they routinely play, there would be no concern, because the table would be outside that space. This is an example of letting the environment hold that limit for you, so that you don’t have to constantly tell a child not to climb. If they try anyway, then we simply take their bodies down and let them know that we can’t let them climb on the table (while remaining curious about whether there might be something they want up there!), and redirect them to a place that they can climb.
4. “Not hitting people.” Yeah, reminding toddlers not to hit people is largely a waste of your time–remember, this is your limit to solve and prevent, not theirs to “obey” or remember (both of which are not developmentally appropriate expectations.) Behavior is communication. They’re not hitting for no reason or to hurt. They’re hitting as a way of saying they don’t like something. Hitting is the symptom, not the cause. Address the cause (see everything above) and the hitting will no longer be needed.
And then there is the last part, which shines a light on a whole other aspect of this “hitting problem.”
“He’s also in that back-and-forth stage (which is fine!) but we will ask him what he wants and he will go back and forth so we tell him he needs to make a decision and if he doesn’t we will have to and he won’t like the decision we make sometimes.”
That “back and forth stage” is often even more exhausting and frustrating for toddlers than it is for us. They don’t know what they want. They don’t know what “making a decision” means, and even if they did, they don’t know which choice they want to make, because they have a system that is playing internal ping-pong. The “back and forth” isn’t just with us, it’s inside of them as well, and it’s often a great deal more than they can manage or handle without falling apart. Even as adults, we know the feeling of being terribly torn about a decision–how uncomfortable that can be. It’s like that, except worse, because we can step back and reflect on that, or do “pros and cons” or distract ourselves, or at least understand that we’re “stuck”, whereas toddlers cannot do those things. For them, it’s purely that uncomfortable feeling.
In times like these, toddlers desperately need us to be calm, confident, reassuring leaders, people who are happy to step up and make decisions when children are so clearly communicating that they can’t manage decisions at all right now (that’s what the back and forth is really about, it’s communicating that its too much for them.). They are often literally relieved–maybe not immediately, but relatively quickly–when we reduce demands. Because yes, asking a two-year-old to make decisions, is a demand. They’re telling you they can’t do it. So you do it. You don’t do it as a “consequence” for them “failing” to make a decision, which they are telling you they can’t do. You do it as a favor, a kindness, a generous support to a child who is so loudly telling you they can’t manage this, and so they need your calm and confident help.
Less language. Fewer “conditions” (if/then, when/then, if you don’t…).
“Today we’re having apples.”
“It’s so hard to decide sometimes. We’ll go to the park after snack.”
“I’m going to carry you upstairs this time.”
These are gifts to a child who is struggling with decision-making. They’re not “abuses of power” or “inconsiderate of your child’s autonomy.” They are reassuring your toddler that their parent will sometimes step in and make decisions when it’s too hard for them. That promotes security, trust, confidence, and strength of relationship.
Oh, and I guess that wasn’t the last thing. There was also the weaning. There’s not much to say about that, other than, if you need to do adult-led weaning–again, another need to examine, though there are absolutely times when it is an important adult-led decision, and that’s perfectly fine–it’s important to recognize that that is introducing another level of stress on the child, which means they have even fewer resources for emotional regulation, impulse control, and decision making than they would have normally, with the caveat that there isn’t really any “normally” for a toddler because they are changing so quickly all the time.
So many things to do. So many things to think about. So what if you can only focus on a few things right now, while you’re working on all of this, while you’re tapped out? Good question. The answers? Your own regulation. Slowing down will help both you and your child. Remembering that they’re communicating and doing their very best will help you stay regulated. Adults being regulated is the cornerstone of everything, it stands head and shoulders above “strategies” or “what to do.”
Slow down. Talk less. Set them up for success. Keep asking for support. You’ve got this.