It’s Nothing New


You know, this “respectful parenting”, in the way that Visible Child promotes, is nothing new. Many can easily fall into the idea that this way of relating to children is somehow a contemporary fad, either because we were raised so differently or in response to loud voices around us, mocking “gentle parenting” or implying that we’re being too indulgent and not “disciplining” children enough. The notion of “kids these days” is as old as the hills- people have bemoaned the decline of civilization as evidenced by the degenerate behavior of the younger generation, well, forever. And of course, the state of youth is naturally the fault of lax parenting. Of course.

I’m sure you’ve seen the videos, circulating on TikTok, Instagram, and beyond, making fun of “gentle parenting.:” I will not be sharing or linking them here, as I do not want to play any part in increasing views. They come across my social media feed, and I scroll past as quickly as I can, as soon as it begins. Sure, I recognize that they’re created by frustrated or cynical parents, as their oh-so-witty commentary on the “ineffectiveness” of what they see as the “gentle parenting” fad. (As an important aside, Visible Child does not align or self-identify as a “gentle parenting” approach). They’re not as casually harmless as all that. They are actively spreading myths and misrepresentations about what it looks like to engage with children with respect and dignity. They are filled with inaccuracies, caricatures, and exaggerations of what those of us who advocate for respectful relationships are promoting. No one–I repeat, no one–is suggesting that parents do or say the things that the people in those videos are modeling. Most harmfully, they feed the political and social trends that are clinging to traditional, authoritarian models of parenting. “Ha ha ha! Yes, that’s exactly what gentle parents are like! No wonder their kids are such brats, running the entire household!” In today’s political climate, where authoritarianism is on the rise, these sorts of myths create subtle yet persistent harm to those of us fighting every day for respect and dignity in our relationships with children. Okay, I’m stepping off of that soapbox. For now.

My mother died just short of her 97th birthday (how’s that for a segue, eh?) in 2017. She had been an elementary school teacher after university, undoubtedly a wonderful one. That was in the early 1940’s, and it was a short-lived venture, as when my father returned from World War II, she devoted herself to the task of raising four children, and she never returned to professional work outside the home. As she reminded me hundreds of times, raising children is “the most important work”, always careful to acknowledge that her ability to do so was a privilege, recognizing that it was not possible–or a good fit–for many parents. She went so far as to point out that when it was not possible for parents to be full time caregivers, it was all the more important that all of us, from the “village” to all those professionals who make caring for children their life’s work, be well educated in child development and the ways of respectful interaction with children. So, as you can see, some part of me surely came by these ideas honestly.

In my mother’s waning months and years, especially as she spent more and more time in her bed, I was continuously reminded of her values by the titles of the books that had resided in the bookshelf headboard of my parents’ bed, visible just above my mother’s head, for, well, decades. Naturally, I had to have them, because, for one thing, I had never read them. Here they are, today, in my hands, far from the headboard in which they resided for so long.

Between Parent and Child, by Haim Ginott, a child psychologist, was published in 1965. Children: The Challenge, by Rudolf Dreikurs, a noted child psychiatrist, in 1964. Sixty years ago, long before most of you who are reading this were born. These books are still available, albeit in edited/updated versions. If I may, let me offer a few quotes from the original editions of these books. I trust that you will see past the somewhat outdated language and look to the spirit and intent of the message.

We do not suggest that parents be either permissive nor punitive. What parents have to learn is how to become a match for their children, wise to their ways and capable of guiding them without letting them run wild or stifling them.” – Dreikurs

The conversation [between parent and child] sounds like two monologues, one consisting of criticism and instructions, the other of denials and pleading. The tragedy of such “communication” lies, not in the lack of love, but in the lack of respect; not in the lack of intelligence, but in the lack of skill…we need a new mode of relating to children, including new ways of conversing with them.” – Ginott

The child’s inner emotional reaction to our instruction is a decisive element in how much he learns of what we want him to know. Values cannot be taught directly. They are absorbed, and become part of the child, only through identification with, and emulation of, persons who gain his love and respect.” – Ginott

To help our children, then we must turn from the obsolete autocratic method of demanding submission to a new order based on the principles of freedom and responsibility. Our children no longer can be forced into compliance; they must be stimulated and encouraged into voluntarily taking their part in the maintenance of order. We need new principles of child-raising to replace the obsolete traditions….It will be necessary, first, to clarify the fundamental requirements for living as equals within the family. It will take time and sustained effort to become entrenched into tradition.” – Dreikurs

Of course, these are only a small sample of relevant quotes. There is wisdom in nearly every page, the great majority of it intensely aligned with what we promote in Visible Child. Yes, they’re old books. And you will likely recognize a great deal of it. What we’re doing in Visible Child isn’t new. People who understand and respect children have been saying and advocating for and doing these things for generations. It’s not a fad. It’s authentic relationship. It’s seeing children as people. People with whom we are privileged to share our homes and lives. People whom we endeavor to treat as we would treat any adult or elder whom we hold in high regard. This morning, I ran across this brief video clip of an interview with Haim Ginott, in an interview with a then-young Barbara Walters in 1973, more than 50 years ago now.

Of course, I would be painfully remiss if I did not include the groundbreaking work of Emmi Pikler and the Pikler Institute, founded in 1946. Pikler’s approach underlies the work of Magda Gerber, who trained and worked with Emmi Pikler in Hungary, and is at the heart of the approach she founded, RIEâ„¢. This approach has respect for the individual child as its critical center. Pikler’s and Gerber’s words and approaches, while they were developed more than half a century ago, are powerfully influencing work and life with children today. Thank goodness for that.

This seems like a great opportunity to address another point of contention that has come my way, as I do not shy away from recommending books that may have been written a long time ago. For example, parents are being told, in what I consider quite black and white terms, that “we should not be reading” the Louise Bates Ames/Gesell Institute “Your [ ] Year Old” series. The objections, largely predictable in today’s social and political landscape, are based on many valid criticisms of the content, including methodological issues, and are certainly worth thoughtful consideration. AND…as of today, there are still no comparable overviews of development that are concise, easy to read, easily accessible, and for the most part, spot on. As knowledge of development is a critical underpinning of respectful parenting, as countless parents continue to see themselves and their children in these books, as I have powerful trust in parents to read critically and “take what you like and leave the rest” (so much so that there is no book anywhere that I would tell people that they should or should not read.), I will continue to recommend these books, for all their frailties.

There are more, to be sure. The work of Jean Piaget. The early work of Head Start in the U.S. that highlights the importance of social-emotional development in the early years. The work of John Bowlby and MaryAinsworth, the founders of attachment theory (which is not the same as attachment parenting!) I could go on and on. I’m not suggesting that any of you need become child development scholars, reading all of the history and research base in the field. What I am saying is that there are many of us out here who have done just that. We watch and learn as these past theories evolve and adapt and are refined by current and ongoing research, nearly all of which acknowledges the importance of the original work. It is the compilation of all of this that I do my best to bring into my work every day in Visible Child. We do not always need to reinvent or create anew. We don’t have to always rely on “the most recent” materials. Our work together rests on the shoulders of powerful theories, knowledge, and wisdom that helps us to understand children and reminds us that our efforts to treat children with respect, consideration, and dignity, is not “newfangled” or unfounded.

“Aha! So, Robin, you were raised this way? So it comes naturally to you because this is what your parents did?” Ah, that’s a great question, and perhaps an obvious one. The answer, as I suspect is true for most of us, is: Yes. And No. I had a mother (since it was mostly my mother) who was aware, who was a terrific teacher, who loved and identified with and understood children. She read these books and believed in them. Definitely a point in my favor. And she, also like most of us, had her own struggles, making some parts of my upbringing, including but not limited to complicated attachment status, sometimes chaotic and inconsistent and angry and frustrating. So…yes and no. Did I have the close and communicative relationship with my mother that you might imagine or hope for as the result of this sort of parenting? No. Do I have the close and communicative relationship with my now adult daughter that you might imagine or hope for as the result of this sort of parenting? Yes, I most certainly do. As Dreikurs said “It will take time and sustained effort to become entrenched into tradition.” Indeed. Each generation exerts effort, seeks knowledge, and does its best with what is available. Each generation brings its own unique stressors and risks and benefits. We do our best. We keep in mind that we’re not doing this for a particular result. And we’re not doing it because it “works.” We’re doing it because treating others with respect and dignity–regardless of their age–is the right thing to do.

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