It’s a heck of a job description, I’ll give you that.
Every day, all day, I listen to and work with parents. One on one. One (me) with two (couples). Small groups. Large groups. Really large online groups. I’ve been doing it for years. And every once in a while, something hits me about the nature of my work, which I reflect on almost all the time.
This week’s consults and interactions have revealed to me, perhaps for the first time, that a significant portion of my work is, on some level, about shattering illusions. I offer some examples here for your consideration, you know, so you can disabuse yourself of them in all your spare time. I’m sure I’m missing some, but it’s a good start.
Sorry about the shattering part.
Illusion of control
The idea that we can make another person do or feel or know or eat or listen to something simply because we want them to.
“How do I make her….”
“He doesn’t want to say he’s sorry when he has hurt someone. He needs to feel sorry.”
“All they eat is crackers. They need to eat some protein. I remind them or tell them to take one bite, but they refuse!”
Illusion of control over “end product”
The idea that we can make a child turn out a particular way, if we work hard enough or are intentional enough or “do it all right.”
“I try so hard and I’ve modeled all the right things, and my child is still so rude to adults!”
“I want my child to embrace and adopt my values, that’s why I don’t let them….”
“If I don’t make them clean up after themselves, they’re going to grow up to be entitled!”
Illusion of influence
The idea that, as parents, we are omnipotent, most powerful, or sole influencers of what our children know, think, believe and do.
“I don’t know where they got the idea of hitting–we have never hit them!”
“Where did they hear those words? We have never used language like that!’
“Those aren’t our family’s values!’
Illusions of power over others
The idea that we can control what other adults do or say.
“I’ve told my parents (the child’s grandparents) what I want them to say or do when my child is having a hard time, but then they don’t do it!”
“My child’s teacher gives kids stickers for good behavior and puts kids’ names on a list if they’re “not listening!”
“A parent at the park gave me a really nasty look when I didn’t tell my child to share!”
Illusions of frailty
The idea that children are intensely fragile such that they must be protected from difficult experiences, “negative” emotions, or distress lest they be “traumatized” or damaged.
“I can’t even go to the bathroom, because my child cries or screams when I do–so I have to take them with me.”
“My child had a really scary experience and is dwelling on it. I don’t want my child to be traumatized, so I need to make sure that never happens again!”
“My 8 year old is really upset about the loss of a friend, and doesn’t seem to be getting over it. I want her to have friends, and she’s saying that she’s never going to have friends again!”
Illusions about development
Believing that children can process or understand information or questions that are not a match for their development because they are “smart” or articulate, or that for some reason, our children are somehow immune from the typical trajectories of development (yes, including children who are neurodivergent!)
“I want my three year old to understand that people aren’t all good or all bad.”
“My toddler keeps hitting. We have had SO many conversations that go on for a really long time, and we explain in detail why that’s not okay. We’ve told him, he should surely understand by now!”
“My six year old is bossy and perfectionistic, ripping up papers if they’re not perfect. I’m really concerned that this is a precursor to OCD.”
Illusion of perfection
The idea that there is such a thing as a perfect, calm, serene parent who always “does the right thing” and never says or thinks negative things about their child or being a parent.
“I actually said to a friend of mine that I hated my child. What a horrible thing to say.”
“I yelled at my child the other night. I apologized and said I shouldn’t have done that, but I’m worried that I am traumatizing him!”
“I don’t know how anyone does this perfect “Visible Child” sort of parenting all the time–I seem to be the only one who can’t do that!”
Illusion of obedience
The idea that a compliant child is “the goal” or better in some way than a child who resists or tests boundaries or is “strong-willed.”
“All the other kids in the restaurant are sitting there eating their meals and behaving. What’s the matter with my kid?”
“Sometimes I just need them to do what I say. I don’t want a kid who I have to fight with about everything.”
Illusion of reflection
The idea that our children are, at all times, reflections of us as parents and our efforts, successes, and failures.
“I’m so embarassed when my child hides behind my legs or doesn’t say thank you when they give her a balloon at the grocery store!’
“This respectful parenting stuff really works. I’ve modeled helpfulness and my child always offers to help others!”
Illusion of projection
The idea that children think or feel something because that’s how we feel or how we “would feel” in a similar situation or how we felt in a similar situation as a child.
“I remember when a friend was mean to me when I was in school. I was devastated and I don’t want my child to go through that!”
“My parents punished me and it didn’t upset me that much.”
Illusion of Uniqueness
The idea that we are the only ones going through whatever challenges we are facing.
“I’ve never seen anyone else’s kid have a tantrum like this at five years old!”
“No one understands what it’s like to not have family nearby.”
Whew. It’s a list, isn’t it?
I want to be clear here. These may be illusions–or that’s what I’m calling them, anyway. And they’re all perfectly “normal.” We all feel these ways at times. Our communities and cultures, often lacking in support, reinforce these sorts of perspectives. Parenting is often a hard and lonely job.
There may even be some that seem contradictory. “But Robin, you’re always saying, or at least implying, that if we do x or y, it will likely lead to better outcomes…and now you’re saying that no matter what we do, we don’t have control over the outcomes? So now it doesn’t even matter what we say or do?” I can see how you might draw that conclusion. And no, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that it matters a great deal what we do….and that it behooves us and our children to remember that we are only one piece of the puzzle. Parenting is not a recipe: put in these ingredients, and get this product. And neither is it a free-for-all, where anything goes. As ever, the answer lies in the middle.
Parents matter. A lot. And not as much as we sometimes think.
This list and these examples are an invitation, as is all of my work. They are not a critique or something to either embrace or avoid. They are presented here for your consideration, not as instruction or correction. The core of my work, both with children and parents, is about trust. I trust in your competence, just as I trust in the competence of your children. It’s okay–not only okay, but valuable–to question. It’s okay to disagree. It’s even okay to cling to any illusions you might have or to deny that they are illusions. You very well may be right. Your path is your own. And if one thing that you read here, even just one of these, helps you to forge a more balanced, mindful, or less reactive relationship with your children, I will have succeeded. At least until I reject the illusion that your successes have anything to do with me.