Model Graciousness

stubbornchildThere’s a parenting question that comes up perhaps more frequently than any other. We seem to be able to wrap our heads around how to respectfully set limits, offer choices, acknowledge their feelings, understand the differences between natural and logical consequences, even calmly support them through tantrums. But when push comes to shove, there is one thing that stumps us:

“What do I do when they simply refuse to do what I am asking them to do?”

I would reword the question, actually.  Don’t get me wrong, I hear you.  You’re asking what to do when your kids refuse to pick up their toys, put their clothes on, brush their teeth, clean up a mess they made.  I know.  i would still reword it.  I hear the words that you are asking.  And after they go through the filter that is oh-so-handily inside my ears, the question looks a lot more like:

“What do I do whtickertapeen I’m not in control?”

That’s right.  Control.   We’re all a little obsessed with control, in my opinion.  It’s one of those things that falls solidly in the “should” or “have to” category.  It’s the lever on the ticker tape machine (oops, I think I’m dating myself–pic over there, just in case) that rolls out endless tape that reads:

“If I don’t make them do it, I’m a pushover,”

“She HAS to.  I’m the parent, I have to make her do it,”

“It’s my JOB to teach her.  She may be stubborn, but I can outlast her.”

“My life is going to be hell if I don’t insist that they do it.  They’ll walk all over me.”

“I am NOT going to have one of those entitled kids who expect their parents to do everything for them.”

“They have to learn responsibility and that actions have consequences!”

“I have to make it clear that I’m in charge. It’s non-negotiable.  I’ll sit here until they do it.”

Sound familiar?

What did you think and feel as you read those examples? My guess is that most of you felt some version of “That’s RIGHT!” And you would find a lot of support for that.  Yes, even among “gentle” or “respectful” parents and bloggers.  Ironically, I’ve found more rigidity among these communities than I might have expected.  To me, it looks like a reaction to being seen as “permissive.”  We want people to be sure to know that just because we’re respectful or gentle, we aren’t permissive, so we talk a lot about how to get kids to do things, because if we’re tough (and yet still kind), it proves that we’re not the doormats that people make us out to be.

I don’t buy it.

So once again, I find myself in a position of seeing things a bit differently (yeah, it’s my destiny.)  You know what I think and feel as I read those examples up there?  I think that they all sound a bit like we’re dealing with the enemy.  They’re adversarial.  I’m right, they’re wrong.  I know better.  They’re just stubborn.  I have to break them.  I’m The Parent.

Yup.  Control.

And fear.  Let’s not forget about fear.  Fear that we’ll be ineffectual.  Fear that our children will grow up to be entitled.  Fear that our friends and relatives who think we’re those kooky people who do that “gentle discipline stuff” will laugh and shake their heads at us, either in our presence or behind our backs, or both.   Or worse yet, they’ll “tsk” at us, as if to say “Well, if you were more in charge, your kids would have better manners.”  Lots of fear in parenting.  Yup.

See, the thing is, I don’t think we don’t have to have that sort of relationship with our children. I know we think we do.  But we don’t.  It’s a choice.  It’s not a non-negotiable.  There are other ways.  So let’s talk about just one of them.  And no, it does NOT lead to children who walk all over you.

Now, before you think I’ve gone completely loony tunes (or–gasp–that I am in favor of permissiveness, which I assure you that I am not), let me say that yes, I do know and accept that our role as parents is to “teach” responsibility, values, helpfulness, manners, self-care, independence, routines, cause and effect, blah blah blah.  The problem–and it is a problem–is that these are things that can’t be taught.  Well, okay, they can be taught.  It’s true, you can make your kid do anything. But the things that you “teach” don’t stick.  Not in the way that I want them to at least.

Children do not learn from what we say.  They don’t even learn from what we do.  They learn from who we are.  And they’re always watching.

That’s why I choose to model graciousness.

Now before we go any further, let me just say that, although I have used this strategy for as long as I can remember–first with the children I worked with and then with my own child–I did not come up with this nifty difty little name.  I owe that to a wonderful woman from New Zealand, an unschooling mom that I met online in several RIE discussion groups.  Whenever this topic would come up, she would be a lone voice.  Amid the fifty or sixty comments in which parents gave one another tip after tip about how to get-the-kid-to-do-the-thing, suddenly her name would appear, and next to it, it would say two words:  Model Graciousness.  There it was.  In two words.  Perfect.  (Thank you, L.)

So this is my answer (now that I have a name for it and all.)  Model graciousness.

What does it mean?

It means that you demonstrate and model for them the authentic spirit and intention that you wish for them to possess.  If you want them to be generous, be generous (yes, of spirit, not just with “things.”)  If you want them to be helpful, be helpful.  If you want them to help without being asked, help without being asked.  If you want them to speak softly, speak softly.  If you want them to say thank you, say thank you.  Always without resentment—because I presume that you don’t want children who resent you.  You get the idea.

Yes.  It’s really that simple.

She intentionally (or so it appears) pours a glass of milk on to the table, where it cascades on to the floor.  Having hespilled-milkr help clean it up is a logical consequence.  You get her a rag, and you ask (or preferably, tell) her to clean up the milk she spilled.  She refuses.  Or laughs.  Or runs off.  You go get her and you calmly explain that the milk is on the floor and it has to get cleaned up because if it stays there it will start to smell really bad and it will make the floor slippery and dangerous, and that you’d like her to help clean it up, and that you will help her.  You get two cloths, and offer her one, and you ask (tell) her “I need your help to clean up the milk.  Here is your cloth and here is my cloth.  We’ll do it together.”  Or you get one cloth and a small container of water, and you say “We need to clean up the milk.  Would you like to use the cloth to wipe it up or would you like to hold the container while I wipe it up?”  (Pay attention: here’s where it gets tricky.  don’t stop reading now!)  She refuses again.  Or laughs again.  Or throws the rag.  Or runs off again.  You’re sitting there (undoubtedly frustrated) thinking “But I asked just the right way!  I gave her choices!  I offered to help her!  She can’t just pour milk on the floor and not have any consequence!  I have to wait her out or make her come do it–how do I do that?  I’m perfectly calm, I’m not getting upset, I’m doing everything the way the books/experts say to do, and she’s still not helping!  I have the most out of control kid ever.  What now?!?)

I’ll tell you “what now.”  Model graciousness.  Clean it up.  Say, with confidence (and feel with confidence, too…that matters) that you’re happy to help this time and that you’re sure she will help next time.  Because you are sure that she’ll help next time (right??)  And if it turns out that you’re wrong, and she doesn’t help next time, still have confidence that she will do it the next time (and chalk it up to developmental stage or fatigue or teething or a long day at school or that toy that broke earlier in the day.)  Quiet the anxious voices in your head that say “if i clean it up, she’ll never learn responsibility.”  Quiet the resentful voices in your head that say “I’m sick of doing everything for her when she’s perfectly capable of doing it herself.” Quiet the punitive voices in your head that say “she spilled it, she needs to clean it up.”   Have trust that she will do it next time.  Because one of these times, she will.  She will be like you.  Helpful.  Generous.  Altruistic. 

I would give another example, but it works pretty much the same way no matter what the example is.  You know that expression “Be the change you wish to see in the world?”  Yeah.  This is that, parenting style.

You want to know why.  I know you want to know why.  So I’m going to put it as simply as I possibly can:  “I didn’t do it.”

I know that all of us have heard this,  whether as a child ourselves, as a teacher, as a parent, among extended family, or at the park.  A parent or a teacher or an older child asks (tells?) children to clean something up.  They say “I didn’t do it”  or “It’s not my mess” or “You clean it up” or “I wasn’t working over there.”

I don’t know about you, but for me, this phrase is like fingernails on a chalkboard.  It is the epitome of everything that I do not want my child to be.  I want to raise a child who is prosocial, generous, altruistic, empathic.  I want my child to be the one the teacher sends an email about because she was the only one who didn’t laugh when another child’s experiment blew up in science class, and the only one who went over and helped him clean it up without being asked.  I never want to hear the words “it’s not my mess” come out of my child’s mouth when she is asked to help clean up–by me or anyone else. I want her to smile and say “Sure.”  And I don’t only want her to help–I want her to help without resentment of any sort. (is it a pipe dream?  No.  It isn’t.)  This is what altruism is.  I hold it sacred.

If I want her to do that and be that person, then I have to do that and be that person.  Help without resentment.  Accept others’ emotional or developmental limitations, either in general or in the moment.  Model graciousness.

Trust.  It’s the elusive trick of parenting.  We resort to control and fear because we do not trust that who we are is enough, that the values and traits that we model will be enough to transmit what we wish for our children to embody.  We don’t trust that we do all of it as well as we want our children to do it–we want them to be better than us, not just like us.  So we have to teach them to do it better than we do.  And we forget that that’s not possible, because they are watching us.

So this is the hard stuff.  Trusting that we’re enough.  Trusting that yes, we’ll make mistakes, and we’ll acknowledge them and try to do better, and they’ll see that and forgive their own mistakes.  Trusting that we can make the changes in ourselves that we want for our children.  Trusting that we don’t have to be perfect to transmit the values that we hold most dear.  Trusting that if we embody the values that we desire, our children will develop them, in their own way and time, which may be different than the way and time that we imagine.  It’s a tall order.  It’s worth it.

And yes.  There are things that are non-negotiable.  And yes, those require a different set of strategies.  This isn’t the answer for every single potential power struggle.   There is no “answer” for every situation in parenting.  Everything “depends.”  There are times that this doesn’t apply.  And then you pull a different tool out of your tool box.  Sometimes playfulness really helps.  Sometimes sticking firmly to a strict limit is the only viable choice.  But a lot of the time, modeling graciousness is just the thing.

Just to be clear: this is not about just following your child around, cleaning up after them.  That would be a failure to teach them responsibility, and yes, that teaches entitlement.  This is about seeing yourself as a willing helper, the extra support that our children need to practice or to be willing to do it themselves.   Modeling graciousness does not mean you don’t have expectations.  You do.  You must.  It’s about what happens when those expectations fall apart, and having another tool in your toolbox, one that is not motivated by fear or control.

Just for today, try it out. Do an experiment. Take that phrase, that anxiety-laden phrase (or any facsimile thereof), “I have to make them do it or they’ll never learn”, take it out of your head for the day.  Replace it with “I will model the behavior and values that I desire.  I trust that they will learn from me.”  Every time you hear one of those phrases come into your head (“but he has to!” “She’s gonna be a spoiled brat” “I’m failing at this whole parenting thing, I’m a pushover”  “No one else has kids that are rude like mine”), push it out.  Reject it.  Replace it with “We are in this together.  I trust in their generosity and capabilities.  It will come.”

cliffdiving1Yeah, it requires a leap of faith, like a high jump off the rocks into a crystal blue ocean.  Scary.  Yes.  Never thought we’d find ourselves there.  But instead of spending two hours standing there explaining to our children why they need to jump, why they shouldn’t be afraid, how you will catch them, why it’s important to overcome their fear, how you-came-up-all-this-way-because-they-said-they-wanted-to-do-it-and-you’re-not-going-back-down-so-they-might-as-well-jump-because-that’s-what-has-to-happen, you are jumping with your child, hand in hand, both of you laughing and screaming with glee (and some fear) as you fall through the air, splash, and surface with unbridled victory and accomplishment beaming from both of your faces.  It will be an source of pride for both of you for years to come.  Your child will see you as fearless.  You will see them as courageous.  And well into the future, you will both remember.  You will remember that, in this life, we’re all in it together.  Start now.

70 thoughts on “Model Graciousness

  1. Great post. It really resonated me today that the behaviour that is being modeled will be picked up. My kids just spent two weeks with my sister in law as their caregiver, she runs a strict authoritarian household and was frequently threatening and implemented time outs. My two and four year old now delight in telling each other and their friends “That’s bad, go to time out”. This leaves me a lot more confident that the gracious behaviour being modeled by me, dad and our caregiver is being absorbed and they will try out these behaviours as well – I just hope I’m as tuned to catch the good stuff, as the not so good stuff!

  2. This is an amazing article. I have experienced this “phenomenon” with my kids, and felt like I got lucky tha time, and sometimes feel like I almost understood the reasons my kids have these occasional bursts of good behavior, but you have connected the dots for me. I have already seen the proof and couldn’t agree more about the logic of it. Thank you.

  3. Thank you so much. I have gotten into a terrible habit of seeing when my daughter does something pleasant, and thinking, “if she can do that this time, she can do it all the time,” and then becoming frustrated when she does not. I DO say things like, “it’s not my mess,” but I didn’t hear how it sounded…unkind, and exactly what I don’t want her to say to others if they ask for help or look like they need help. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I just shared this with my husband as well.

  4. I love this article!! But I do have one more question. What do you recommend doing when the parent cannot actually help??? Like in your jumping example, lets say the mother also has a newborn with her and no one to help what would she say to the child that wanted to jump and once there refuses to do it??? TIA

    • Well, the jumping example was more of a metaphor for “taking the leap” into trusting your child and your own parenting to let go…

      But if taken literally, if you’re talking about a diving board or jumping off a cliff into the water (which was the example used in the article), I would assess what is manageable and what is possible in advance, and if I was not absolutely certain that it’s something that the child could or would be likely to do, I would set a limit on going up there in the first place. Don’t get yourself into positions that you won’t be able to handle.

  5. Good thoughts, forwarded from my daughter. And in a day, my grandson is doing what we ask! He won’t always, and I wouldn’t expect him to. But this works, and supports beautifully what we can all see, that children learn by absorbtion from their world. Thank you! Steve

  6. How would you use the style when you need a child do do something for example put on coat and shoes to leave the house, or to calm down when getting wild or leave the park to go home ? Or would these me examples that need other tools ?

    • These are situations that, in general, call for other tools, although it could model graciousness to get down, take your time, and put on a child’s coat and shoes for them (if they prefer) rather than demanding that they put them on (even if you know that they can do it themselves). There is no way (and no reason) to “calm down when getting wild”–an outlet for that energy or addressing the cause is much better. Leaving the park to go home is about allowing enough time, giving advance notice, and being wiling to follow through by picking a child up if it is time to go, they have been given a chance and are still not ready (presuming you can’t just wait until they’re ready, which is also a great option.)

      • Do you have any links on helping address over excitedness ? When I say wild – I have two boys are sometimes when they are playing the energy levels increase and they start being too rough with each other or with their toys etc where I worry someone will get hurt or things get broken etc I do understand they are little boys and have a lot of energy. As we live in a wet climate it’s not always possible to just get them outside but I do try. I also find it difficult if they are in this sort of mood when we are out near a road or in a busy place and I want to keep them safe.

        At the park I do always make sure to give warning and a countdown I.e 10mins then 2 mins etc which sometimes works but other times doesn’t I usually say at that point if they can’t leave when it’s time to go that we won’t be able to come next time – is that a bad idea ?

      • Also thank you for the reply. I have just started reading your posts and am trying very hard to have model behaviour this week ! It helped me stay compassionate with my 5 year old who cut his knee this week and shows very strong emotions in such situations but I definitely think he calmed down quicker than usual and I certainly came out of the experience feeling I had handled it better than usual !

  7. If you’d like to get input on these sorts of questions, you might think about joining the parenting group that I run on Facebook. This is just the sort of questions and situations that are discussed there every day. To join, visit the group and click on “join” and also send a private message to me on Facebook, explaining who you are and that you’d like to join. The group is here:

  8. Oh my word I could cry. This sums up what we do at home and our eldest who is almost 6 is this child – the one who will go over and help, the one who heard me call “Evelyn, help!” when something was going wrong in the kitchen and whizzed to my side saying “I’m right here” in such a reassuring way it made my heart melt, the one whose own little 2.5yo sister is learning from her every day how to do and be the same. The one who doesn’t blame or get cross when that same little sister breaks or ruins something by accident. So beautiful ❤️❤️❤️ Definitely a wonderful way to live together with them. And yes she has had much more help from me over the years with tidying and cleaning up than your average 6yr old, but she is now spontaneously becoming more and more proactive at doing things herself and for a genuine purpose rather than because she has been asked or told.

  9. Such a wonderfully and authentically put together post. Thank you! I feel this is the aspect of love, kindness, compassion, empathy, connection, balanc, inner strength and stability – you name it – that the world is so much in need at present! I also think this could ( and possibly should 🙂 ) or apply to any relationship or expectation including with regards to oneself. Thank you for being so thoughtful and kind xx I will this share widely x

  10. Really great. Love that “it’s not my mess” analogy. I’m a teacher (and a parent to a 22mo) and it always pulls on my heart strings when children offer to tidy up messes that others have made! I want that for my little girl too X

    • I enjoyed this perspective and am one of those parents who think “I have to make them obey”. It makes sense on paper, but I can’t help but wonder if cleaning up for them teaches them to just run away and not have to do anything. I just can’t shake that thought.

  11. This is really just what I needed! I have been in so many of these battles these last few weeks and am at my wits end. Thank you for giving me another strategy!

  12. I know I’m a few years late reading this, but I have a question about this method. What do you do when you have a time restraint and you need their cooperation? For example, I need my 3yo to get dressed to make it on time to a doctor appointment or to get ready in time to take Daddy to work so I can use the car that day? Stuff like that. Any advice?

  13. Just read this some time after original posting. Eye opening – thank you! Do you happen to have the Spanish translation?

  14. This is now one of my most favourite articles ever!! I’m a child development specialist and a mom to two lively boys. I work privately in family support, I will be sharing this article over and over for years. I am also going to pass it on to my community of early childhood educators as I feel the lesson can be applied there as well. I really can’t say enough about how thankful I am to have found this post. The whole time I’m reading I’m thinking “YES!! YES!!” Your brilliant!! I’m about to read everything you ever wrote lol

  15. I was almost in tears after I read this article. As a child, many years ago, I was physically abused by my mother from 6 months (she couldn’t help it, she had to cope all alone as my father was and is a selfish, weak, immature and sad human being – a German Lutheran pastor who gets the unqualified admiration of his congregation simply because of his job and his ability to charm people if he wants to), and I grew up being extremely aggressive as well as convinced that I must be a bad person. After all, why else was I being beaten all the time whether I had in fact done something wrong or not, and my younger siblings weren’t. I worked out when writing my masters dissertation on Communication in the Family and Family Therapy that I was maneuvered into the role of an IP (Identified Patient), the medical term in family therapy for a member in a dysfunctional family whom the entire family places blame for everything bad that happens. It helped intellectually to see I was not born bad, but not a lot.

    However, my father whom I loved to distraction (which daughter doesn’t), but who was the driving force of the dysfunctionality within our family in the first place, who now at 85 years still blames the rest of the world for all his misfortunes and never learned to take responsibility for his actions – he told me when I was 12 that it was my fault his life was so awful because if I hadn’t been born, he could have divorced my mother and marry someone else – did explain to me once what the “sins of the fathers” means, namely, that we tend to visit on our children what we ourselves experienced as children. I promised myself on that day that I would parent differently. I have 2 daughters, now in their early 30’s and when they were little, there were no gentle parenting books, no knowledge of developmental leaps or any of the things which we can find information on everywhere we look nowadays.

    Why do I tell you all this? Because when I read this article I realised that by sheer instinct and a certain knowledge of psychology I did the right thing with my children. I did everything I have read just now, I just didn’t have the terminology for it. I just knew – and explained to my daughters – that I try to lead by example and that I cannot expect them to become decent, well-behaved, altruistic and emphatic people if I don’t become that person in my soul and believe in it. That, if I expected respect from them, I in turn would have to respect them, that the relationship between children and parents is not a battle but a well-balanced give and take, a journey together, in which parents learn and teach their children AND vice versa. This did not mean that they would walk all over me – I was a single mother for a long time and I knew, because the establishment of boundaries was something that had already been recognised as an absolute necessity for children to become confident and grow up without confusion in the 80’s. I’m sure I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but we regularly had talks about mine and their feelings about the good and the bad things.

    I have been complimented over the years by my friends, my daughters teachers, by the parents of my daughters friends, even by my siblings (who subconsciously still treat me as the IP) about having such amazing daughters, so caring, so helpful, never rebellious – I had no terrible twos or any “typical” teenage behaviour – partly to do with the fact that I gave my daughters ponies and they were far too busy and responsible to “fight” me for independence – and also very loving and close to each other in a way that teachers at their schools insisted was something they had never experienced even among twins. I was always asked how I did it, and I always answered honestly that it wasn’t anything I had done, it was how we treated each other. Nobody ever accused me of being too soft or too strict and I have to admit I never had any of the fears or thoughts that are listed at the beginning of this article. That was just not something that defined our relationship.

    I’m not a particularly gifted parent, I think I just parented my daughter in the way I would have liked to be treated myself, and when my daughters were 9 and 11 we found a wonderful father and husband who believed in and lived by the same ideas. I now have two grandchildren and my daughters found books on gentle parenting that explain how to treat their children in the same way they were treated, so our grandchildren which we help looking after, will grow up to be the same loving, caring, strong-minded and emphatic people that my daughters have become.

    It IS much easier to find help about how to parent in a child-led gentle way (and NOT like the TV super nanny who seems to have become a role model for too many new parents – her methods are tailored for parents who have completely lost control, not for those who are having a new baby who is basically a blank page). But not everybody can or is inclined to read long and sometimes repetitive books, so this article is a PERFECT summation and should be given to every new parent(s) at the birth of their first child.

  16. Wow. This is just what I needed to read. I am the mother of a two and a half daughter and a 1 month old boy. My daughter is my pride and joy. She is a wonderful little human being and is so helpful and kind… She holds that from her father. He teaches her practical things, like cleaning, folding laundry, washing fruit and veg, etc etc just by doing it himself and showing her, letting her try for herself. She gets upset if she can’t help! As soon as you start doing anything she asks to help! But… I feel as though I may be the problem. I know I shouldn’t shout, or threaten when things don’t go my way. But when I am tired, I do all that. I know I shouldn’t tell her to do this to have that, but sometimes I do. I need to accept that she will confront me, shout at me, blame me etc… if I do it first! So thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart because I, the parent, is the one who needed to learn from this.

  17. I have been doing this. But there are some things that are non negotiable and I feel like I have tried every possible way but my child still doesn’t do it. One of them is brushing her teeth every morning. No matter what is said and done, she doesn’t do it. Now she has not brushed for two days in a row. Or having meals together with us.

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